The Back Story.

So let me delve into my life a little more for you.

I was born in the fens of the UK (Cambridgeshire) in 1991, you do the math.

I was the first spawn of my mum & dad, they clearly should have stopped with me as I am the best but they decided to continue to pro-create.

For the first year of my life we lived in a bungalow in Fenstanton (clearly I don't remember this)

Around the age of one we moved to Chatteris, a market town in the heart of the Fens. This is where I spent my life, until now.

My eldest brother, Kieran, was born around when I was 5 and we grew up together, in our 3 bed family home.

I believe I was always a slightly anxious child, I actually remember never wanting to leave my mum most of the time. I am still a mummy's girl to this day if I'm honest.

The year I would have been turning 10, we moved home (still Chatteris, clearly my parents loved the smell of horse crap on the fields). My mum was pregnant with my sister so we obviously needed the extra room in a home.

We literally moved a 5 minute walk away and my father still owns the house to date.

My sister, Sian was born in the February and since that day she has been a pain in my ass (just kidding Sian *cough*)

It wasn't long before the next sister came along around 18 months later on December 24th (talk about trying to steal the lime light Jamie).

I will never know the full story and nor will I pry but not long after, my parents decided to split. I know from memory that it was never always a happy relationship with minor splits occurring a few times in the past.

But this time it was final. Dad moved out to a home down the road from us and my sisters would stay with him at weekends.

My relationship with my dad was never great, and that's hard to say on here as I know he'll read this but I also know that he feels the same.

I can't quite pin-point why we had such a distance relationship but we just never saw eye-to-eye. This then grew worse when he moved out.

As I said before, I was a mummy's girl and still being in school I was naive to what was going on.

I can't remember exactly but around 4 years (ish) later, the divorce was final. Dad had moved back into the family home and mum had got her own place with us (the kids). By this time I had stupidly moved out with an ex-boyfriend and back home again. Definitely a story for another day.

So that brings us up to me being, what, 19?

My mum was dating a lovely guy, had been for some time and was seemingly happy. I was working for a Sales & Marketing company and had been since I was 16.

At this point I was planning a move to Benidorm with a friend from work. To live and work with her friend who owned a bar.

In April 2011, my mum's partner (Gary) was about to celebrate his birthday at our house with a BBQ.

This is where I met Adam.

I was drunk, he was hungover and he took the piss out of my cheesecake ... love at first sight clearly! (insert sarcastic emoji here)

After that day, we would talk through the powers of Facebook and even though we knew I was moving away, we decided to go for a drink (knowing full well that anything that would come from this 'relationship' would be purely fun .... sorry mum & mother-in-law)

We spent 4 weeks at each others side. Pretty much every night of those 4 weeks were spent together, whether out or just eating shitty take-away food at mine.

We never planned it, but we definitely fell for each other. How stupid!

The day before I left the country, he came round for food (yes, I eat a lot) - It was definitely hard but I didn't cry until he left the house.

The next morning, as my mum was removing my 1kg of underwear from my suitcase, screaming that I didn't need that much, Adam e-mailed me.

It was beautiful but he basically told me that he didn't want me to leave.

But ... I left. Stupidly!

Biggest mistake ever but at least I got a tan!

What I failed to mention was that my friend from work decided 2 weeks before-hand that she wasn't going to come with me. So I made the decision to jack in my job, sell my car and move alone to live and work for some guy that I'd never met before.

Things did not work. His bar was loosing money, and the job that was promised was non-existent, and to be totally honest I could not see myself living with him for longer than I did.

I came home 5 days later.

Guess who picked me up at the airport? Adam!

I remember running off the plane, practically pushing all of the other passengers out of my way and into the terminal. My shins were burning because I was power walking to the max!

It took around a month to be 'Facebook Official' but we were a couple and the rest was history.

We were official in the June and within 3 months we had already planned our lives together.

Some may say this moved too quickly, but for us it felt right! Almost 6 years on, 2 children, married and living in a foreign country as a family.

Adam and I quickly decided that on the priority list, children were first. We would look at his parents who were at a stage in there life where they were comfortable, had very grown up children and were able to live their adult lives at that point.

Still young enough to travel, do what they wanted and have fun with the lives they had created. That's what we wanted.

We decided to try for a baby, which when we announced in early January 2012 that we were expecting Alfie, it was certainly a shock to our friends & family. However, once the initial shock wore off, we had some very excited grandparents, aunties & uncles to be!

Not so sure if my nan was happy about being a great nan but it had to happen at some point (sorry nan!)

I hated pregnancy! Which when I think about it, I should have never complained about my first as compared to my second it was a breeze.

With Alfie, I had zero morning sickness, no problems and the birth itself was quick for a first timer.

I was taken into hospital around 1am on the 15th August 2012. Midwives told me to go home as they did not believe a first time mumma at only 1cm dilated would be having her baby anytime soon.

I am glad I refused as a few hours later the agony had kicked in and I was walking (YES WALKING) to a delivery room!

Alfie's birth was as smooth as they come I guess, until after the birth my placenta decided to get stuck! - I wont go into detail but a manual removal was set to go as I refused to stay awake.

I remember Adam asking me if I wanted to kiss our son before I was taken to theatre but if I'm completely honest, in my head, I thought I was about to die and I remember hardly saying a word as I was carted off to theatre.

But a couple of hours later, I was waking up in a recovery room, ready to hold my first born properly for the first time. Followed by stupidly attempting to get out of bed to use the bathroom and covering the recovery room floor in blood.

I think it's safe to say that I scared Adam when he walked back into the room from making a phone call, to see no me and about a years worth of blood! All was good though, I'm still here!

Alfie was the easiest baby in the world. I knew that then and I certainly know it now when I compare him to Jackson!

He slept through the night from an early age, fed well, hardly ever cried and just in general was an easy baby. So why at times did I find it so hard?

I remember the day my milk came in, I was literally ready to throw myself in front of a bus. On that day, I broke. Handed Alfie to Adam and hid in the bathroom for a while. Until my mum turned up and I collapsed in her arms.

This was referred to as the baby blues, and even though I had battled Depression on and off since I was around 15, I just ignored it.

It wasn't until now that I look back and realise it was more than that.

I hated being alone, I hated being touched, I would cry for no reason and my head always felt heavy. Non of this was anything compared to the pain I have felt in the last couple of years though.

Things did get easier and because I've always had 'down days' anyway, I let it slip.

Before Alfie turned one, we were evicted from our home. (yes this has happened twice to us whilst renting, landlords seem to like selling houses that we live in!)

At this point, we moved in with Adams parents.

They have the space, are very welcoming and it seemed like the right thing to do!

We didn't want to rent again, it was too much like hard work so we decided we wanted to buy!

We found a home, we fell in love, we had the money, we had the solicitor but for many reasons our application for a mortgage was denied and we had to give up before we'd even begun!

As much as we both love Adams parents, living under someone else's roof is hard! For both sides of the party as well.

No-one has their own space, routines go out of the window, it's just tough. And as much as we appreciated all the help we received from the Chapmans, we needed to move again.

In January 2014 we moved to a 2 bedroom home just down the road. It was perfect at the time to be honest.

In summer 2014 we took a trip with the Chapman family & friends to Florida. Absolutely perfect holiday (even if it did empty our bank accounts).

2 weeks after we returned, we found out we were expecting again (yes, it was planned) and as our family and friends will tell you, he was clearly conceived on said holiday! Everyone was determined we were going to name him Orlando or Mickey.

We decided to keep this pregnancy a secret though and kept it to ourselves until the 12 week scan.

This was tough. Pregnancy was proving difficult this time round.

I couldn't eat, I just wanted to sleep all the time and the stomach pains were horrendous. Family kept telling me they were worried something was wrong and the questions kept being asked about whether I should take a pregnancy test (I already knew).

To be able to tell everyone, felt like a years wait! Finally, I could stop worrying about running to someone else's bathroom to vomit, or falling asleep on their sofa!

Things got harder through this pregnancy. I ended up suffering with SPD which meant that my hips, back and legs were in constant agony. There would be times that I couldn't move and along with that my mood was getting increasingly worse.

We moved home in January 2015 (about 5 doors down) to a 3 bedroom house.

I remember the day it hit me, that I needed help.

I was feeling insecure and lonely and that turned into feeling worried about not being liked for no reason. This turned into an argument between two of my best friends and I completely broke.

I sat at my desk at work after reading messages and had to run to the break room with two co-workers to literally cry my eyes out.

Upon leaving work, I left a worrying voice message for Adam, telling him I needed him through sobs of inaudible tears and drove straight to my mum's house where once again I broke down in her arms.

I scared my sister who questioned whether I needed her to come home with me.

When Adam returned home, I broke again and I could see the confusion in his face. I couldn't explain myself, I had no words, I just felt numb. Lost. Pained.

How do you explain yourself to someone when you don't understand yourself in the first place?

The answer is ... you can't. You hide it, you move on.

My midwife was concerned when I explained my feelings to her. I wanted the baby out of me because I hated that I couldn't see it. I couldn't bare not being in control, not being able to look after something I had created. I wanted pregnancy to end.

I was referred to an pre-natal psychologist, but this appointment took 10 weeks to get. During that time I had 'broken' so many times. Including where I shouted at a line of customers waiting to use the bathroom in Sainsbrys, and when I burst into tears in the middle of Wilkinsons.

I was at a point where I felt like I would never get out of this pit.

The appointment came 2 weeks before Jackson was born. Straight away I was asked to consider medication but I refused. I could not pump myself with drugs whilst pregnant, even though they were considered safe!

Jackson arrived with us in early May 2015. It was quick, to say the least. 10 minutes in a delivery room and 3 pushes later, he was here!

What a shock. Such a shitty pregnancy, but such an easy birth!

We went home, happy and calm.

I didn't stay feeling that way for long.