We are NOT alone.
We are NOT alone.
This post is all about proving a point. I am not alone. You are not alone. We are not alone. So many suffer in silence because the stigma surrounding Depression & Anxiety is still so high. So many suffer in silence because they feel they cannot open up, they cannot be honest without being judged. I wanted to prove to you that you do not need to feel this way. I'm hoping that I've already proved that with how open I have been but by showing you another persons account it just proves even further that ... we are normal. I actually asked this writer if they'd like to type up something for me. I speak to this person often about their battle and my own and I like to think that we help each other on occasions. They were more than happy to send me their words within hours of my request. Please continue reading; I am writing here today as a guest, fan, and very dear friend of Natasha. We have shared our experiences of anxiety and depression with each other quite often. It is relieving to know that I’m not the only one suffering from these illnesses. It sucks that we have to suffer in general, but the support group that I'm slowly seeing around me is everything. Nothing is worse than feeling like you are alone. I’d like to share some of the struggles I’ve been faced with whilst dealing with these demons. I will limit it to the five parts of my life it affects most, because if I said everything on my mind, you’d be reading forever. 1.) ORGANIZATION Most people I speak to on a day to day basis have claimed to have some sort of OCD. It could just be something small like a pet peeve or they could have full blown OCD where you have to repeatedly do specific tasks a specific amount of times. My OCD feels like a small part of my anxiety trying to take control. Organization is something I definitely overthink and it drives me up the wall. I’m such a messy person and leave trails of disaster behind me, literally and metaphorically. I’m constantly organizing little things in my mind but rarely do I ever actually put it to action. There are certain things I like to have done in a specific way, such as my dishes. I assume my husband must think I’m insane the way I need my dishes to be absolutely spotless. I will take a dish I’m going to use and search all over to make sure it’s 'safe'. It makes me feel so contradicting to myself because this isn’t how I am at all when it’s time to put dishes away. My organization skills are shit and most of the time I struggle to find the energy to clean at all! I don’t enjoy living in filth, I see it and I want to clean/fix it however, when motivation lacks, it’s usually left unfinished anyway. 2.) WORK Most people without anxiety or depression would probably agree they dislike work, it’s just a common feeling! I feel it’s even harder for the people like myself, especially because I don’t even want to leave my house to feed myself, let alone face the struggle of forcing myself off to work. Every work day I wake up very early hours (clock in time is 4:30am). I sit for about ten minutes in the morning contemplating life. I wake up earlier just to do this, feeling like I need that extra time to mentally prepare. Jobs I've had in the past would normally see me call in if I was feeling too depressed. The job I have now, it’s not really an option to call in unless you want to get fired! I take my prescription (Klonopins) half of the time. It is prescribed to me “as needed” for work. Even though I love all my coworkers so much (consider them my friends even) it’s still tough to be around people in general. I feed off of everyone’s emotions. I could go into work in a rare great mood but as soon as I notice someone is upset, it will make me upset for the rest of the day. It can be a good thing to be emphatic or sympathetic, but when it affects how I feel in such a significant way, that’s when I say to myself “just take your medicine.” 3.) HEALTH After work, I’m mentally and physically exhausted. We don’t take breaks, but I guess I’ve become used to it. I would sometimes take food to work because if you’re like me, you don’t want to go hungry for that long. I unfortunately don’t make enough money right now to take food to work. Most days my bank account is at $2. It’s usually up to my husband to provide dinner for me since he earns the bulk of our money. Like me, my husband is not a fan of leaving the house either, most nights we end up purchasing fast food for our evening meals. It would be much nicer to purchase weekly groceries, at least then we could eat well balanced meals. It is an important part of your mental health to also be somewhat physically healthy. Eating the way I have been, I just keep getting fatter and feeling worse and worse. Last week I bought so many vegetables to cook a couple of healthy dinners but of course that doesn’t last long! The husband will forget I’m on a diet and end up 'accidentally' bringing me something deliciously unhealthy as a surprise. My self control sucks and I just give in. I end up saying to myself “you’ve been having a shitty day, week, & life. Just eat the fucking chocolate!”
I always think that if I can just get a job making more money, I can go grocery shopping for a healthy diet. I’ve done it before, lost the weight, and felt great about the way I looked! That’s when the downfall comes and I decide it’s going to be ok to eat a whole bag of potato chips, definitely not a good idea regardless of how great it feels at the time. The thing is, even when I’m living healthy, the anxiety and depression is still just as strong as before. I know people will swear that a healthy diet and lifestyle will help your anxiety & depression but with my experiences, I am sad to say it hasn’t helped me much. I won’t deny that it does help at least a little bit, because who doesn’t love to see themselves in great shape!? 4.) FUN & HOBBIES I’ve talked about so many things already, you might think “holy crap, this girl needs to chill”.
I'm writing about the one thing I hate the most in my life (my mental health) however, I do actually enjoy writing about it because it is what I know.
After all of these anxious, depressing factors of my life, sometimes I forget who I really am!
I am an artist on hiatus. I used to paint all the time. From someone who claims to have a dark soul, I’ve mostly painted bright colorful images. It makes me feel better to create beautiful artwork to lift my spirits. I can’t actually remember the last time I’ve painted.
I also love to sing online as another great creative outlet. It’s been great to be able to find a place to sing in 'private' and occasionally feel proud of it even if most of the time, I resent myself and voice. Singing is probably one of my favorite things to do.
My depression demon likes to take that away from me. I will have significant amounts of time where I physically can’t sing because of emotion. It could be any song, I will start to sing along in my car and immediately have to stop because I’m choking up trying to get words to come out. I never understood why I can’t just sing along with a song at that moment in time without crying. It’s such a terrible feeling not being able to do what I love. Sometimes I can use the emotion to my advantage to show in the music but it mostly goes unnoticed.
When it comes to fun and hobbies, some days it feels like that doesn’t exist for me anymore. If I’m feeling and thinking about so many other things, it’s hard to find the time and energy to enjoy myself. 5.)FRIENDS & FAMILY I’ve saved this topic for last because it is the most important. I’ve tried to list all these factors in order to show how each affect each other. It feels like one thing after the other with this anxiety and depression bullshit. The people who love me are unfortunately going to have to witness me being a total wreck at times. I grew up with divorced parents and two older brothers. We were never “close”. We weren't the type of family that hugged each other. I have memories of my parents hugging me as a young child but at some age it stopped and it makes me wonder why. Maybe they just didn’t want to be the type of parents to demand hugs which I can totally understand. I guess if I was a parent I wouldn't want my kids to think I was lame. I feel like it may have been a selfish choice they made because now I’m left here wondering why my parents don’t hug me and tell me they love me. It has now become a foreign thing and would feel awkward to show affection. It has affected the way I show affection in general. My mother had also suffered from depression and anxiety her whole life and apparently now it’s my turn. My relationships haven’t been the greatest. I feel insecure about the way people feel about me, even the people who claim to love me so much. I constantly feel the need to be reassured that I’m loved and words just don’t cut it for me anymore. I’m not confrontational when it comes to family but I am when it comes to my husband. I don’t like confrontation at all, so I hold it all back from most people. It makes me feel terrible for my husband since he’s the one to get the backlash from all the chaos on my mind. I was hysterically upset on Valentine’s Day. I was already stressed that we both had to work anyway. I get home before him and he’s texting me about what he needs to do after work before coming home to take me out to dinner. He had a doctor appointment that he ended up canceling because I freaked out at the fact he would schedule an appointment on Valentine’s Day, which I guess would be an understandable mistake. Well he had that out of the way, but decides to buy a gift last minute and of course I end up hating it because I can never be pleased. I felt like my aggravation definitely had more to do with something else going on and not just these simple petty things. I am lucky to have someone who thinks about me and loves me. Most days I don’t feel worthy of that kind of love. The small triggers are what set me off and I end up crying or screaming. Most of the time it’s just miscommunication because my husband is not the greatest with words.
He claims “I didn’t mean it the way I said it” which I can understand. It happens to me a lot being the extra awkward person that I am. It frustrates me that my frustration, frustrates him. It’s an endless cycle! I try my best to help my loved ones understand why I am the way I am but I feel like I can never get that across. Some of us forget that, we are not the problem. We are not defined by our mental illnesses but it does play a huge role in our lives. Even when I feel myself getting weaker, I know that I can still claim to be a badass just for accomplishing the little bit I can. The metaphorical demons inside of me tend to let me think for myself every now and then. Thank you for reading! I had a lot to say, so if you stuck around to read it, I really appreciate you!
Sara. (You can follow Sara via Instagram - @saradiggs )
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