Signs you may not notice.

It's been 2 months. 2 months since I opened the laptop and started typing.

There's many reasons behind it but honestly, I still don't feel ready to break out into that right now. It's been a tough couple of months and there have been days where I've been at my absolute worst.

However, I don't like the idea of having a blog like this so public if I'm not doing anything with it. If I'm not engaging, what's the point of keeping it alive?

So, if you follow The Anxious Mother on Facebook, you will have seen that I posted an article a while back that I wanted to elaborate on.

'7 Things People Don't Realize I'm Doing Because I'm in a Depressive Episode'

Pretty much all of this article ran true and I thought it was good for both sides of the readers.

The one's that struggle like myself, this will help you to realise that what you are experiencing is normal, that yet again ... you're not alone and that it's also normal for others not to realise that what you are doing is linked to your mental health.

The ones on the outside, that don't quite understand ... for you readers, I hope this helps to highlight times when your loved ones may just be crying out for help.

1. I'm unmotivated to finish things.

'The misconception about depression is that it always involves a lot of crying and empty tissue boxes. For me, depression feels like an abscene of emotions. It's a terrible muted feeling, like my insides have been scooped out and I've got to fake it somehow. This emptiness makes it hard to get things done. My brain says, 'what's the point?''

I think this is a great one to start with as it's currently the story of my life right now. My mood has been all over the place lately. I've struggled to concentrate, make plans, stick to the plans I have made, or just do anything in general.

If you are a consistent reader of this blog, you'll know that I'm a big list keeper. In general I have two lists that are pretty much identical, plus I have a calendar, notes in my phone and a journal. Yup ... I'm just that crazy.

I put a lot of pressure on myself to, I guess, be the best. The voice in my mind tells me that because I'm a stay at home mum, my house should be spotless, constantly. I should spend every minute whilst the kids are at school, cleaning, washing, ironing, cooking. I should not stop these chores until I bring the kids home ... even once they're home, I should still be maintaining the home.

Unfortunately, that just isn't reality. I have the time ... fuck, I have all the time in the world because I don't go outside but I do not have the motivation.

I could wake up in a good mood and start my day right ... most days this is true, my morning routine tends to be stuck to most days. I get up, shower & dress, come downstairs, make tea, smoke, clear up the kitchen, prep breakfast for the boys, put a load of washing in the machine, sort the kids bags and get ready for the school run.

I'll come home from the school run with a clear plan of how my day is going to go. I'll start working through this plan and its like my motivation is a physical object that will randomly get stolen. It's like it is replaced with something heavy and I find myself unable to move.

It sounds like (and feels like) I'm just being lazy but it's honestly not the case.

I want to stick to my routines, I want to complete the housework but I put so much ontop of myself that once I start, I realise just how much needs completing. I beat myself down, tell myself I'll never get it all done so ... I just give up.

The same goes for the fun stuff to. For instance, Over the weekend I found a new song I liked and started learning it on the guitar. Monday came, I picked up the guitar, played through for about 5 minutes and just lost that mojo and gave up.

2. I don't respond to texts in a timely manner.

'I ghost relationships, and not just romantic ones. I just kind of, check out. I don't know how to explain what's going on without hurting someone's feelings. (It's not you, seriously, it's me, I'm depressed)'

This one hit home the hardest. I struggle with this majorly. If I'm in a state of anxiety or panic and can't respond to a certain message/question, if I don't know how to explain myself or don't think I can ever be understood I just kind of ... step back. It always just seems to be the easiest thing to do at the time.

I know that If I respond to something I'm not comfortable with, or something that I really don't know how to respond to ... I'll make a fool of myself, upset someone or just upset myself even more.

Mental health is so hard to explain. Mainly because if you're like me, you just don't understand yourself so how can you expect someone else to understand.

I live in the past a lot. I think about things I've said and done and things others have said and done, constantly. So, when I'm messaging a friend or family member, I really think hard before pressing send because I worry that I'm about to say the wrong thing. It's not just the big things either, it's everything.

Every 'hey', every emoji, every life story ... 'Am I saying the right thing' 'is this spelt correctly' 'should I really tell them that I want to die' 'I should just paint the picture of a happy me'

This is also why I vanish from the blog quite frequently. I worry what other people think too often.

3. I sleep a lot.

'And then I don't sleep when I should. People who have depression can also struggle with insomnia. I'm constantly exhausted and nap frequently. Sometimes it's because I'm tired and sometimes it's because sleep feels like the only thing I can do.'

This is a weird subject for me at the moment because in regards to sleep .. I feel broken.

Most nights over the last 2-3 weeks, I have been asleep on the sofa by 9pm, most nights I'm fighting my eyes by 8pm!

I then wake up feeling rough because I'm exhausted, drag myself to bed to actually get a nights rest. However, it doesn't work like that.

It seems that as soon as I curl up in bed, I'm wide awake. Once I finally drift off, It's like I never have a solid full night. I drift in and out of sleep, I have terrible dreams when I actually do sleep and then I feel awful in the morning.

During the day I just feel groggy, out of sync and just completely exhausted. Physically & mentally.

The 'I sleep a lot' doesn't quite ring true for me I guess. I can't nap during the day ... firstly because the thought of it makes me feel guilty, 'I should be cleaning' and also, I just can't. It's like my body tells me I can't nap until 7:30pm when all of a sudden I cannot keep my eyes open.

4. I turn down opportunities I actually want.

'I cancel social plans. I don't follow up on a cool job opportunity. I hide, even when I wish I wouldn't. Part of me feels undeserving, and the other part of me feels like I'll find a way to ruin it, so it's best to just say no.'

Finding a way to elaborate on this is tough because I think it pretty much speaks for itself and I think for those who know me, know that this is me.

A couple of months ago, I was invited to join an all female vocal group. For those that know me, I sing a little and it's something I've always been passionate about but I don't have the courage to push forward and do something publicly with it. (Even if I post music snippets on my social media, I cut my head out).

However, I was so excited when I was invited in, even after they'd seen/heard some of my videos.

When the day came, I just couldn't do it. Nerves got the best of me, I felt like I wasn't good enough for them, for anywhere public to hear/see me. I'm better off behind the protection of a screen ... familiar huh?! I definitely use these screens as my invisibility cloak!

This could have been something awesome for me. Something I love to fill the time that I have but ... I bailed and that chance has passed now.

5. I find ways to self-medicate

'Here's the thing, self-medication isn't always alcohol or drug-related. Sometimes, watching a show on Netflix for hours is an escape for me. I know if it's something I rely on, something I use too much, it's a vice. I know it's not the healthiest way to deal with my illness, but sometimes I just need something to get me through the day.'

I know of at least 3 forms of 'self-medicating' I partake in. The first is combined ... tea and cigarettes.

Firstly, I actually hate smoking. I hate the taste it leaves in my mouth, I hate the smells that lingers in my hair and clothes, I hate that I wake every morning with a sore throat and that I'm so self-conscious of my oral hygiene because I don't want smokers yellowing but I just can't shake it.

Most of the time, when I go out to smoke, I don't even want one. It's just habit, it's like a ritual. 'I've woken up so I'll smoke' 'I've just finished the ironing so I'll smoke' 'I've just eaten so I'll smoke' 'I'm bored so I'll smoke'.

I would love to just quit but right now, I'm just not ready.

Tea has actually been cut down on, through therapists orders. I was addicted to caffeine. It was effecting my sleep and my anxiety and when I was drinking between 6-10 cups a day, I'm now limited to 3 before 4pm.

This is going to sound stupid but this has been tough of me lately. I'm experiencing proper caffeine withdrawals for the first time ever. Headaches are constant, tiredness is present, dizziness, the shakes and irritability. It's taking longer than expected to shake the feeling so I'm hoping that in the long run, it will be a good thing for me.

Tea is the same as cigarettes in a way though. Although I don't despise tea, it was my daily ritual, my release from boredom, my comfort, my routine.

Lastly ... music. My headphones are always in my ears. When I'm cleaning or walking alone, the music temporarily drowns out the thoughts. When I'm home with nothing to do, I spend so much time singing into my phone. When I'm surrounded by music in whatever form, it takes me away for a while ... it's just a shame that the high doesn't stick around and generally I come crashing back down when the headphones come out.

6. I seem apathetic.

'It's not because I don't care about my friends. It's not because I don't care about what's going on around me. I do, on some level. But my depression makes that difficult. Everything is empty. Even when I wish it wasn't'

I care deeply about my friends and loved ones, sometimes I wonder if I care too much. When anxiety hits, I become needy and insecure. I worry that everyone hates me and then I cling to people and constantly check in that we're ok. 'we're still friends right' 'you know I love you, don't you' 'do you love me?'.

However, when the dark cloud of depression is in front of my eyes ... I can't see through it. I can't see or feel anything, not even my own emotions. It's horrible because I so badly want to be there for everyone, help everyone and make everything better but half the time ... I can't even look after myself so I really don't know how to help others.

7. I act like I'm fine.

'Because maybe I'm not ready for everyone to ask how I'm doing. Not everyone knows how to respond to depression. Some flip out, some act like it's a contagious disease. Maybe I'm just trying to survive and I don't want that to be a public spectacle.'

This is another one that speaks for itself but often I just don't want to burden others. We all have things going on in our lives, regardless of whether our mental health is stable or not. Why should I put all my troubles and worries on other people? Why should I bring down the people I love.

That's one of the many reasons I blog. I struggle hard with coming clean to the people I love, with personally opening up because it means answering questions. Questions that I don't have the answers to.

I don't want to upset people, I don't want to worry people so the easiest thing to do is smile.

That's it for today, no real back story of what is going on with me right now but hopefully I'll find the courage soon.

I have quoted the article I pulled the idea from but if you'd like to read it for yourself, search for The Anxious Mother on Facebook and you'll find the link on the page.

As always, I am here to answer any of your questions.

It's okay to not be okay.

The Anxious Mother x