The D Word

DEPRESSION.

It's an easy word to throw around.

'She's Depressed'

'She's got Depression'

'She's had Depression'

'She's feeling Depressed'

'She's manically Depressed'

'She's clinically Depressed'

Woah. Stop!

You have no idea, how someone feels. What is going through their head or how severe things are.

This is the problem at the moment. Depression is not understood.

Hey, I get it.

I have suffered with this horrible illness for the best part of 10 years and I still don't understand it so why should non-sufferers understand?

But why don't we understand? Because it isn't spoken about enough.

It's all one BIG secret!

If you have depression, there is something wrong with you. This is how I feel most of the time.

Mainly because of me, because I feel like my brain doesn't function properly but greatly because this is how society makes me feel.

'You don't have depression, you're just sad. Lighten up!'

Yup, ok love. I'll just switch that section of my brain off and now I'm happy. Thanks for your help!!!

This is what I'm hoping to get through to people by writing this blog. Try and spill the way my mind works in order to show people that depression isn't just sadness.

It isn't just a feeling that you get for 5 minutes because somethings gone wrong and that you can instantly switch off.

It physically and mental kills you.

It's like the worst frustration you could ever feel. Your body becomes numb, you're head becomes crowded with overthinking, your chest hurts, your hearts pounds, your face and hands tingle with numbness.

Your mouth is dry, you head is dizzy, your tongue feels like its too big for your mouth.

It's that moment when you can't sleep at night because your head is in overdrive and all of a sudden you can pin-point every bone in your spine, touching every individual spring in the mattress.

You can hear your heartbeat through your ear, onto the pillow.

You feel like you have no control of your tongue. You can't stop moving your feet and hands.

The need to check your phone every 5 minutes because you are sure an hour has gone past.

It's how hot you feel just writing about it because the frustration of not being able to explain yourself is taking over.

It's the withdrawal you feel when you remember that you should have taken medication 3 hours ago.

When the drugs are so strong that after that short amount of time, you feel like your body is collapsing.

It's having plans to go out for over a week and cancelling 10 minutes before-hand because the thought of leaving the house in unbearable.

It's looking at your kids and wishing better for them because you feel so shit, so worthless, so useless.

Depression is not feeling sad.

It's feeling broken, lost, numb, completely worthless and out of control.

It's feeling that you will never be whole and will never bounce back.

Depression needs to be understood.