The Weekday Struggle.

Weekday's are tough.

I find that I have amazing weekends.

I feel happy, generally care-free and I'm looked after to be honest. I'm happy to leave the house comfortably with Adam by myside, we always have something planned which means my mind is occupied and generally life is pretty good.

Don't get me wrong, I still have my weekend struggles. I still have patches where my motivation is zero and I'm a zombie but weekends mean that Adam is home and I have support.

Weekdays, however, are quite frankly horrendous.

Since being in the UAE (since August this year), I have not been able to tackle things alone.

I have not been to a supermarket alone.

I have tackled the park once alone (for 20 minutes).

I have not been to a mall alone.

I have not been to a pool alone.

I have not been to restaurant alone.

When I say alone, I mean with either of the kids, without another adult.

(and don't get me wrong, it's not just being here that does this to me. I'd have been the same in the UK)

I plan to do these things.

I plan to get Jackson, my youngest, out of the house because I feel like a terrible mother keeping him in all the time. But, I can't face it.

The thought of going out in public on my own, with a child, makes me feel sick.

What if, I'm not back in time to do the school run?

What if I forget something in Jacksons changing bag?

What if Jackson is a nightmare and I can't control him?

What if Alfie needs the loo and I'm halfway through shopping?

What if I get lost?

What if I break down in emotion and everyone stares at me?

What if I'm judged?

The list could be endless.

I get to the point where I cannot control my mind and any positive thought I could have conjured, disappears. Only negativity can be seen/predicted.

This is my problem, this is why I went through CBT for a certain amount of time.

Because I am a negative thinker.

I cannot manage my thought processing, I cannot see the positive, I overthink every single detail of every possible situation.

Instead of seeing the good and what good would come from things, I can only focus on what could go wrong!

This stems into my OCD and anxiety (we'll come back to that I'm sure)

This then causes a sea of problems.

Maybe I have plans with a friend that I cancel at the last minute. If that friend doesn't understand my thought processes then they may just think I'm some flaky bitch that constantly cancels.

The thoughts continue as I start to panic about loosing friends and having no-one.

When I stay in all day, I end up resenting myself and resenting my parenting skills.

Jackson plays up and I know why ... he's bored. He wants to get out of the house as much as I do deep down. And who could blame him.

I get to the end of the day and feel so guilty. What kind of mother am I, I can't even take my son to the park.

I am a mess!

I long for the minute that Adam walks through the door.

He'll always notice if I've had one of 'my days' but he must feel so useless in being able to do anything about it because I cannot discuss it.

Partly because I don't want to ...through fear of being judge, fear of him having enough of my shit and leaving me. But mainly because I don't understand myself enough to be able to explain.

It physically hurts me to attempt to explain myself.

About 3, maybe 4 weeks ago. I had a breakthrough.

I set in my mind that I was taking Jackson out.

I did the morning school run, got home and kept myself busy until 8:30 ... grabbed my son and got in the car ... we went to the local park (you have to drive everywhere here ... distance & heat would kill you)

I was only there for 20 minutes before my head went into overdrive and sent me home but the positivity that came from it was amazing.

I was buzzing that day and couldn't wait to tell everybody about my 'breakthrough'.

This was the day that I was sure I wanted to start blogging. I had posted a Facebook status about mental health and my struggles and the achievement I had gone through that day ... the response and support I received was incredible.

However ... it was short lived. That was the first and last time I've been brave enough so far to do something like that but I hope to make a change.

One day, I will be able to push the negativity aside but for now I shall continue to feel like a terrible mother and struggle with a bored child at home.