Positivity.

(Apologies for the spelling/grammar mistakes in this today. I'm so tired, my eyes are blurred and sore)

So I promised that this blog would not be all 'doom & gloom'. I promised that I would post about my high days as well as my lows.

Unfortunately, the ratio of high to low days has been non-existent .... until today!

Today, is a good day.

Yesterday, was a good day.

So yesterday, was nothing special. I didn't go anywhere, I didn't achieve anything but I was in a good mood.

I got shit done, rooms got cleaned, kids were played with and well behaved.

The positivity stayed with me throughout the day, and although it may seem weird to say about a pretty standard day for most people, yesterday was awesome!

I haven't felt that content, chilled and in control for a long time.

For me, that's pretty dam good going.

Whilst in this good mood, I made a plan to keep it up.

Starting with planning for tomorrow (a.k.a today).

I was going to go to the supermarket on my own!

But ...

We had a rough night with the kids, I woke up with absolutely zero positivity inside of me, zero motivation and was on the verge of tears.

I took Alf & Adam to school and after dropping Alf off at his classroom, I realized Adam had the car keys.

Disaster.

In my head, something so stupid and small is such a massive deal to me.

I decided there and then that it was a 'fuck it' day. NOPE, I'm NOT going anywhere today. I'm NOT seeing anyone.

NOPE NOPE NOPE.

I said goodbye to Adam after he returned the keys to me (literally minutes later) and I just wanted to cry.

I didn't want to drive, I didn't want to go home.

We got home, and I did cry. Because I sat thinking about the fact that I was suppose to push myself to drive to the supermarket today.

I cried because I felt crap.

I cried because I felt like a failure.

I cried because I was crying.

I cried because I was crying and about crying.

I cried because the thought of doing a simple trip to the shop with my son, was the hardest thing for me to do in that moment of time.

Guess what??

I did it.

Why am I crying? Get the fuck up, wipe your face and get in the car ... you need milk bitch!

I kept myself constantly talking to Jackson. Telling him each step we were taking.

Let's put our shoes on

Mummy is putting your juice in her bag

Do you want to take bunny

Now lets open the door

Lets count the stairs

The more I think about it, I do this a lot. Break down everything I'm doing to get me to complete something. (just part of my OCD coming out along the anxiety)

I wasn't talking to Jackson for his benefit ... It was for me.

I have to tell myself what I'm doing, how I'm going to do it, how I'm going to get through it and how I'm going to complete it.

I beeped at many drivers on the way to the supermarket.

How dare they cut me up whilst I'm planning 10 minutes in advance of where I should park for easiest access.

What if they have no trolleys? I can't take the pushchair because I need more stuff than would fit in a basket.

What if it's busy?

What if I got the times wrong and it's not open?

What if I just turn round now and go home?

I made it.

I parked the closest I possibly could to the escalators that lead up into the mall. The ones that literally bring you out in front of the supermarket.

What if Jackson lets go of my hand right now?

I was still talking to Jackson.

Common J, let's go and get a trolley. You have to help mummy push.

What do we need Jackson? Do you remember?

Baring in mind that Jackson is only just over 18 months old, I must have looked like a nut job!

So ... there were no trolleys with seats! Jackson had to walk!

I nearly ran at that point, but I didn't.

It will be ok, you're going to be a good boy aren't you?

He wasn't a good boy. But there's nothing new there and I still conquered it.

Granted, I forgot half the stuff that was on my list and was probably only in there for 10 minutes but ... I did it.

After 5 months, I hit the supermarket on my own!

I'm exhausted. Must have been the build up to it and completely working myself up before-hand. I napped when we got home.

I still feel so drained today.

I can't promise that this is now done with and I can now do everything on my own.

I can't promise that I'll do a supermarket again anytime soon.

However, I can promise that I feel good about myself!

Tired, but good.