How Anxiety Consumes Me

Everybody has anxieties, everyone has moments of anxiety but for someone like me, anxiety consumes you in ways you could never imagine.

The last few months I have actually looked into myself, noticed things I would have never noticed before and that is thanks to writing about it.

Anxiety for me is like a shadow. It is always there, you just cannot always see it.

Sometimes it lurks, and is more prominent at those awful times.

Sometimes it is so dark, so close to you, like it's completely on top of your whole body.

I've admitted lately of some tell-tale signs of when I'm going through an anxious episode...

I withdraw.

Sometimes it may be that I hide myself from responding to messages, or being active on social media.

Sometimes I cancel plans with friends/family at the last minute without warning or reason.

Sometimes I spend hours/days in basic silence in fear that I'll say or do something wrong.

Sometimes I reject people/help/contact.

Sometimes I appear weird, moody, unapproachable.

Sometimes I will do my hair or makeup over & over again because to me, It doesn't look right.

I do most of these things a lot and to the outside world, it may seem like I'm a bitch. An unorganized bitch who can't stick to plans, who cancels on her friends, who doesn't speak to her family back home. But really, I'm just tearing myself apart on the inside and quite frankly am too busy trying to control that feeling.

There are many ways that I have 'learnt' to combat this.

I can imagine most people would see my ways as the wrong way to deal with it all, but at this moment in time, these are the ways that work for me.

I don't have long term coping mechanisms. I have short term, the here and now that I can grab and use for help.

Like, having a cup of tea. Taking time out in the kitchen away from other humans. I may take my time to make that tea and then sit with it.

I'll hold a cup to feel the heat from the mug. To feel something when the rest of my body is numb.

Now I no way endorse this next method as a good one to use but ... smoking!

For those of you who don't know me, I smoked once before. Starting in my teens when I shouldn't have been smoking.

By the time I met Adam, I was a heavy smoker, until I fell pregnant with our first son. I quit smoking for just over 3 years until I started back up again last February/March time (2016).

Now, I smoke more than ever and although it's terrible for my health. It does help me.

When I smoke, I can leave the room, leave the situation and sit in silence (well unless the call to prayer has started or the pigeons across my balcony are 'at it')

I can concentrate when I smoke. It may sound stupid but I can hear myself breathing, I can feel myself breathing ... almost like I'm preforming an unhealthy version of meditating!

Being creative. This is mainly controlled in blogging these days but I used to draw, craft, colour or something really simple like sit with a puzzle book, or even file my nails (Adam will tell you that I file my nails 5 times a day ... major over exaggeration)

I quite often find it hard to sit still ... to sit and watch TV without fidgeting so I almost always have to be doing something else to occupy me, even if it means play a stupid game on my phone.

Clean. I hate cleaning, it's like my job which fucking sucks but ... when I'm really struggling, I will go into full blown OCD mode. I will spring clean, re-organize furniture, just to keep myself busy.

The last one is a secret. A secret that I shall now reveal.

I sing.

I've always enjoyed singing since I was young, the days when my dad would force me onto stage at a karaoke by putting my name in without me knowing ... it was always 'My Heart Will Go On' (yep great dad, just kill my vocal chords ha)

Anyway, a few years ago, I found this app that allows you to sing through your phone in a sort of worldwide karaoke.

This is my main distraction right now.

It keeps me busy by doing something that I enjoy. I feel a boost of confidence everytime I see my follower counter go up, or loves/comments on my recordings.

I know some people will judge and think I'm some sort of weirdo for singing online but it's like my safe place.

Where I can show off my 'sort-of' talent without having to bump into people that have heard it!

These methods work for me, and although I'm sure I withdraw and do other things, these things I am not currently aware of as yet.

It would be interesting to know if any of my readers struggle with anxiety issues and if they have different/more interesting coping methods that they'd like to share with me?

If you do, and you'd like to share, please e-mail me and I will post anonymously

natashayoung0407@hotmail.co.uk

This post seems to have ended abruptly. Maybe because I started writing it 2 days ago and am now completely off topic and have no idea what I'm saying.

I hope to hear from some of my readers.