Time sometimes makes things worse.

For those of you that follow my blog through the Facebook page (search for 'The Anxious Mother') you'll have seen my apology for being absent.

I said from the start that this blog was going to be completely honest and so far it has been, but that is my reason for being so quite lately. I haven't felt like I could be honest in my writing lately.

Mainly because I haven't been able to explain my feelings but because what I was feeling was scary and I wasn't sure how to convey myself.

It's been at least 9 weeks, so I guess I have a lot of ground to cover.

So back towards the end of May, me and the kids left the UAE for our summer break. 4 weeks earlier than Adam as he needed to finish up the school year.

We spent 4 weeks living at my mums with my sisters & youngest brother.

We had a great time, the kids loved playing together every day, I had plenty of alone time whilst mum and the kids were at school, we got to see my in-laws regularly, who also gave me much needed time off from being a mum at the weekends.

I spent time with my girls, whom I've missed so much.

It was wonderful apart from feeling like a single mum. It was tough work.

Especially as Jackson was going through an awful sleeping stage. He was and still does suffer with night terrors, so was waking in the night, still half asleep and inconsolable.

Even after this broken sleep, he was waking anywhere between 4am & 5:30am so tackling those nights and those very early mornings, EVERYDAY, was exhausting.

I was tired, emotional, low and struggling. I needed a break. A proper break.

Adam came back, which meant I had a bit more relief in the parenting department and the boys were so happy to have daddy back.

So since Adam's return, we've been living with his parents. We have a bit more room to live, in house babysitters and the boys are enjoying having more than just me & Adam to play with.

Of course, it can feel a little claustrophobic at times, living in anybody's house will feel that way. You're living within someone else's space, someone else's routine. It's always going to have it's tough moments.

The summer in a physical sense has been fantastic. We've spent time with friends & family, had days out, nights out, countless laughs and endless fun ... but my head has been all over the place.

It has become very clear to me as of late, that I am back at a stage where I can no longer do this alone. I can no longer just fight my way through these feelings. I need help again.

Although I was able to feel more myself once I stopped, I should have never have taken myself off medication.

Time has seen me slip lower and lower to the point of not being able to see a way to scramble back up again.

I'm low, I'm frustrated and I don't know how to manage myself.

It's been tough, I am very much aware that I don't know how I feel and I don't understand myself. I can't explain it and when I have tried to explain it, I just come across as a moody bitch. I don't know how to change that.

I don't know how to explain myself in a way that makes sense because I cannot make sense of my own brain, of my own thoughts.

Adam has seen me at my worst over the last few weeks. I have argued with him, I have been incredibly mean, I have broken in front of him and have seen in his eyes how he has no clue how to help me.

I have told him at times that I want to run.

I have told him at times that I want to end.

That sounds fucking horrible, I know it does but there is no better way to explain it.

I have tried everything.

I have tried 'just smiling', telling myself that its all in my head and that everything will be ok.

I have tried distracting myself. Music seems to do this but it's a very temporary fix.

I've been down the medication route, the NHS therapists.

Nothing ... nothing has worked, I'm getting worse.

This is why I come to the conclusion of there being only one obvious solution to stop the pain.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not that selfish, I'm not that stupid (not saying that people who get to that point are stupid, I totally get it) - I can completely see how people get to the point of no return, how people can feel that there is only one way out ... to end it all.

That thought has crossed my mind over the years, more so in the last few weeks/months but whenever those thoughts enter my broken head, so do my children.

My children keep me here. I would never be able to do something so reckless knowing that I'd never see them again, knowing they'd have to go on without me, knowing that I wouldn't get to see them grow up.

Saying all this, I have had moments lately where I feel like a terrible mother.

I feel like I have no time, nor energy. I don't want to sit and play puzzles, or run around the garden. I want to curl up in bed, cry and not speak to anyone.

I don't want to cook for a whole family when I don't even want to eat.

I don't want to take the kids out for the day when I don't want to leave the house.

It sucks, what kind of mother feels this way?

I love my kids, with all of my heart, but sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be their mum. That sucks.

It's the same with everyone in my life. Why do I have a husband when I don't want to talk to him, why do I have friends when I don't want to be sociable?

Why do I keep anyone in my life when I struggle so much with trying to maintain my relationships.

These thoughts that are frequently around right now, are the reason why I sometimes just want to run away.

Be alone, where I can't burden anyone. Where I don't have to worry about people hating me because I always seem moody and bitchy.

Allow the people in my life to get on with theirs and not have to worry about broken me.

This is why, I have booked to see a private therapist.

It's the last thing to try and fix myself.

I have my first appointment in a couple of weeks, so we shall soon see how I'll get on.

Ha, opening up about myself to a total stranger ... you'd think that blogging would be my fix in that case.

Well, I think I've rambled enough for now and surprisingly the writing it down part, has felt a weight lift off of my chest ... maybe I just need a cigarette?

I promise to be around more often. I've had a lot of messages lately, asking where I am and if everything's ok.

Thank you to my constant readers.