Truth.

Hi. It's been a while.

I feel like this entry is going to be difficult to write, purely because ... I don't know what to say right now.

I initially felt motivated a couple of weeks ago because my head was scrambled, and although that sucks to feel like that, it makes for interesting writing (maybe confusing writing, but interesting non the less).

Then things picked up, I was feeling positive (shock), I was getting comfortable and feeling like I was re-establishing my routine ... and then ... things got shit again.

I feel like I have started something here and I must continue it. My readers (that's right, you guys), mean a lot to me. The sheer volume of feedback I get is incredible and I hope to continue to inspire more like-minded people to be more open and honest about their emotions.

Ok, clearly I'm waffling.

So, the last time you will have delved into my life, I was in the UK for the summer. As most of you know, my husband is a teacher and though we are all born and bred in the UK, we moved to the UAE last summer so that we could experience the expat life.

Being a teacher means ... Summer holidays. Over here we get 10 weeks, so we were home for a long time.

Summer was both fantastic and tough at the same time.

Being with friends and family made it exactly what we wanted. We hadn't seen a lot of familiar faces in a year so to be able to be around these faces was the best feeling but also the worst ... it meant saying goodbye again.

As briefly mentioned, it was also tough.

I lost myself. Completely.

I'm not even sure I can explain it, but for the majority of the summer, I was at the lowest point that I have ever been at.

I scared people ... with my words, my actions, or lack of actions.

I withdrew, I hid away, I put blame on the wrong people, took my feelings out on the wrong people, I broke.

I was a broken soul.

I tried countless of times to explain myself to a variety of different people. My husband, my friends, my mum but I always found myself joking it off, nervous laughter forming as I tried to explain my head. I came across as bitter, resentful, possibly even ungrateful ... because, I can't explain myself.

This is the part of the blog where I shall be completely honest. A number of my UK friends and family know this story but many others don't.

I wasn't going to come back to the UAE. For my UAE friends, it's nothing against you or the country, I just panicked.

It's known that I don't feel 100% comfortable here. My inner demons, keep me confined to the house, until the weekends when it's safe to leave with the husband by my side.

I'm lonely here and I knew that I would feel even more so this year, with my one remaining Al Ain mumma friend, now working (not bitter, so proud of her - she knows who she is).

It was decided on the night of my birthday (4th July), that I would not be returning to the UAE.

I had been working a few days here and there with my old employment and they offered me a temporary contract until Christmas, we were on a roll with applying for a school place for Alfie (5) and about to start looking for pre-school places for Jackson (2).

Adam was going to return to the UAE alone, he's an incredibly loyal person, especially when it comes to employment and the thought of breaking contract just wasn't even a consideration ... I admire him for that.

The plan was, to see out the year. Both of us to struggle through without each other but hopefully meet at the end of the year, with a settled life in the UK already set-up and a bit of money behind us.

The decision was made and after a week or so, we told the parents. I can imagine how hard those conversations were for them, especially for my in-laws.

Happy that me and the grandkids are staying, concerned for their son for being alone.

For my mum, I'm sure it was the same, concern for Adam but also concern for me - a number of times it was mentioned that although I would have family close by, it wouldn't be the same as having a partner, the father to my children.

Everybody worried. Family, friends. The concern was never one sided. It wasn't that people were only concerned for Adam or myself, they were concerned for both us.

Questions even arose as to whether our relationship was in danger. That was never the case.

Weeks past, and I thought that this decision would clear my head. It didn't. It made it worse.

Each day, I felt more anxious, more insecure and could feel myself getting lower & lower.

There were 2 defining points to the summer where I realized something wasn't right.

There was the day that me and Adam yelled, screamed and swore at each other in a public park - to which I then confessed in the car that I would be better off not being here.

Then there was the day, that my explanation of myself wasn't clear and I completely broke down - to the point of inaudible sobbing. I haven't cried so hard since I was a little girl.

*For those of you who don't know. I don't show a lot of emotion. Its quite a comical trait to my friends & family that I have a face of stone.

I didn't cry at my own wedding, I don't like to be hugged blah blah blah. It's funny, you're allowed laugh.*

So for me to break down in my husbands arms, and completely sob my heart out, must have been a scary moment for him.

It was at that point that he suggested I seek help again.

I mentioned this briefly in my latest blog, that I made an appointment with a private therapist. Going down the GP route again, just wasn't for me.

So the days were getting harder and harder when in my head, they were supposed to get easier.

2 weeks before Adam was due to fly back, was around the time I had one of my many melt downs - I told him, I couldn't do it alone.

I told him that as much as it would break my heart to leave my family & friends, I couldn't stay. It didn't matter where I was, clearly, I was always going to feel like this.

So many people had said, 'how will you cope without him', 'how will you cope alone' ... they were right. Who was I kidding?

I can't look after myself, let alone my children, without their dad!

That was that, mine and the kids flights were booked, we were going back.

I think this is a good place to take a break. We're now back and I've updated you to this point.

I have lots more to share, in the short space of time being back, we've had many ups & downs. For now, we'll leave it like this (purely because I want a cup of tea & a cigarette and to watch Orange Is The New Black)

Thank you to all of my followers. Thank you for all of your messages, advise and questions. Please do keep them coming and why not join my Facebook page, it keeps you updated on this fabulously written blog (insert wink face here).

Search for 'The Anxious Mother' on Facebook.

Love to all x